I haven’t been blogging as much recently, and a lot of things have taken a back seat because for a minute there I was pregnant. Last week we found out that it was a chemical pregnancy and by the end of the week I was no longer pregnant and I was heartbroken.

Eric and I weren’t trying to get pregnant, and I wasn’t ready for it, but that didn’t change the fact that it happened. I remember the feelings of early pregnancy that I had with Jack and when my period was a day late I knew we needed to take a test. When I took the first pregnancy test the ‘positive’ line was barely visible. After a few minutes the line slightly darkened and after reading the note on the box we agreed that even a faint line was a positive one.

I made a doctors appointment and Eric and I started talking about the possibility of having a second child. Was it going to be a girl or a boy? If it was a boy what could we name him that could compare to Jack? What were we going to do about daycare or home-care? How were we going to afford everything?

I prefaced everything we talked about with, ‘if this is really happening’. As I said the words I knew they sounded strange, after all my mom always said you can’t be a little pregnant, but I knew something wasn’t right; I knew that this wasn’t how it felt with Jack.

A few days passed and I started to feel real pregnancy symptoms; my boobs were bigger and sore, my skin was a little warmer and a little softer, and that little nagging nausea started to creep up. One day I even got morning sickness. I was starting to get excited, maybe this really was going to work out.

Then, the very next day, the feelings felt diminished; I didn’t feel quite as pregnant. By the following day, the day of my appointment, I noticed a little spotting. I took another pregnancy test and it was still positive. I felt hopeful, but not entirely convinced.

I went to my scheduled appointment and the nurse took me in for a urine test. As I sat in the office waiting for her to finish the test my heart started sinking, it was taking longer than expected and longer than I remember from that first appointment when I was pregnant with Jack. The nurse walked back to her desk and asked, “did you take a home pregnancy test?” Yes, I told her. “And it came out positive?” Yes, I told her again. “Well” she said, “sometimes if your urine is too diluted the hormones won’t show up at first. Did you use the bathroom a lot today?” I lied and told her I didn’t know even though I knew I hadn’t.

The nurse ran the test again and after a little while it came back positive. The doctor explained that because of the first negative test, the spotting, and the cramping the pregnancy may be a chemical one. This means that the egg was fertilized but it didn’t implant. This also meant that the pregnancy wouldn’t last very much longer. She told me to get my blood tested that day and then two days after to check my hormone levels.

I took the first blood test and two days later I took the second. Before I got the results of the second one I got my period and I knew it was over. The pregnancy only lasted a few weeks, but the feelings were there and they were real. Just as the feelings of pregnancy were there, as were the feelings of loss when the pregnancy ended.

It has been theorized that more than half of conceptions end in miscarriage, sometimes going completely unnoticed. We weren’t planning or ready for this pregnancy and sadly it wasn’t the right time for my body. I was devastated when it happened, but now I am more understanding of the process and I know that if, and when, we start trying for another child it will happen for us.

Thank you for reading and letting me share this.